My Happiness Project - 1st week summary: Do I not have the right to be happy?

It has been a week since I started My Happiness Project. I still remember the joy and sense of achievement I got from meeting all the targets I set for this month (read my previous blog post: April Resolutions and  Day One of my happiness project)

Obstacles

Doing exercise is something that really change my life. I am those girl who only stand there and chat with friend during PE lessons since high school. I am so reluctant to move or do any workout. So planning to do exercise 3 days a week and 20 mins each time is a great challenge for me. I planned to exercise on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I did it successfully on Tuesday following the same youtube video. Love this video! You should check it out if you are also a beginner!

On Thursday evening, it was already dinner time when I arrived home from work (8:00 p.m.). I was too full to do exercise after dinner. (9:00 p.m.) After a shower and some fruits, it's time to bed (11:00 p.m.) I did not want to exercise right before I went to bed because I was very sure that exercising will keep me awake for the whole night. 

I planned to make it up on Friday night but I did not do it because I had a doctor appointment at 6:00 p.m. after that I went for dinner with my boyfriend. We walked a little bit after dinner and finally arrived home at 10:00 p.m. You know what happened next... shower...fruit...bed time. No exercise time. 

'It's ok!I will make it up on Saturday and Sunday,' I told myself confidently. Well, on Saturday morning I went hiking with my boyfriend. I chose a easy trail and walked slowly. The air was so fresh and weather was so sunny. It was such a beautiful day. So I count it as successful on Saturday. 

Beautiful waterfall

Falling apart

However, on Sunday, my boyfriend and I had a really terrible argument about his pressure and how my emotions always upset him and then naturally we argued about everything in our relationship. I was so upset when I heard that he did not think that I was happier at all. At that moment, everything seems to fall apart again. 

I know that I should not focus on sadness and problems when I was upset but I was not able to control my emotion at that moment. All the problems were raised and it seems to me that no matter how hard I work and try, I will never be able to solve all these problems. My family, my work, my loving relationship and my illnesses, everything falls apart. I was not able to stop crying for the longest time ever. Sitting in darkness only worsened the problem and deepened the sadness. 

The next day, I did not go to work because my eyes looked terrifying. They were too swollen. I was so disappointed to myself because I only went back to work for one week and I was already taking another sick leave. More pressure because I will only have more work to do the next day, more sadness more depressed. 

This is how much tissue I found in the morning

Do I not have the right to BE HAPPY?

I kept questioning myself, why can other people be happy everyday? They go to work energetically, they spend time on their makeup and clothing. Why do I need to go to work like a zombie, with swollen eyes all the time and wearing whatever I can grab from my wardrobe everyday? When colleagues approaches, I can only lower my head and pretend that I am not interested in joining their conversation because I am usually upset or too tired. Do I not have the right to look pretty and energetic, too? Do I not have the right to BE HAPPY everyday like everyone else??????

Try again?

I tried to calm down that night and talked about our problems in the relationship calmly. The problems were not well discussed. However, I appreciate that my boyfriend was willing to put down his work for a while and came home a little bit earlier on that day for me. He encouraged me to follow my happiness project.

I think he has no idea how much courage I need to start my Happiness Project and how much more courage I need to start the project all over again....

Do you think I can really become a happy person? I am not even sure if I have the courage and perseverance to follow this year long project. But in order to rescue our love relationship, improve my health and give me the strength to solve all the problems in life,  it is the only way I know.